Things that I want.

Not tangible things. Just thoughts.

1. A healthy body: no more gastric pains, no more pimples breaking out from eating seafood..
2. A healthy mind: less prejudice and discrimination...it's all in the mind, Azmira. Stop hurting yourself with unhealthy mind.
3. Money: so that I can shop and I can eat lavishly. 
4. Love: from you to me, and to me alone, despite me being annoying and nail-biting all the time.
5. Creativity: I've lost sparks, I've lost the ability to draw one full A4 page effortlessly. I am uninspired. Should I get in touch with that forgotten friend who always encourage me and inspire me? Jangan cari pasal.
   
6. To be able to restrain myself from spontaneity: Im too spontaneous for my own good, and others too. Thanks to Abah for the gene. I need to wait. To have patience. So that I won't regret stuff. There's just too much regrets in my regret camp, I don't think it has any more available space. I need discipline, I need my phone to be barred, I need my car to be towed back to Seremban, I need to be back in hostel by 11pm, I need to stop checking FB every 2-3minutes: sometimes theres just so much bad influence you can get from kemudahan yang ada around you that you forgot to stop and appreciate.
   

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On another note, I have been feeling solemn for many many days already. Is it because of the rain? In my head, BJ Thomas's Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head is playing in loop. Here's the lyrics:













Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me


Ahhhhhh how I wish I could sing the words and mean it. Someone said I'm 'kiasu' for always wanting more. Why am I solemn? Truth is, I was bothered. Bothered by the feelings I made my own. The negativity in this post shows it all. Haish..its like stuck in a cinema watching a boring movie and you wished you could fast forward to interesting parts, except that you have no choice but to watch every seconds of it, because you are in cinema, not like watching DVD you bought from pasar malam. I feel static, unsatisfied. Demit.

Someone said "Curiosity kills the cat". I am not yet killed, but badly wounded. I wish I didn't knew, I wish I didn't pry, I wish I don't have any memories or information that in the end hurting me and giving me nightmares.

Someone said too, that I think too much on a matter that it becomes so complex. Can I stop myself from thinking? It's this voice in my head telling me all sorts of "what if's". Drama queen kah aku kerana berfikir all the possibilities?

In the end, I whine. In this blog. On my guitar. In my sad drawings. I'll draw tears, tears that I can't shed from my own eyes coz I've been biting my lips so hard that it bleeds every time the tears are coming to the brink of my eyes.

And yes, sometimes I feel like I am pretending to live my day. Saying a simple 'hi' to people is hard enough for me. I can be a happy-go-lucky as I want to if I want to, but I also can be soooooooooo private I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone, and when that happens, which is almost half of the time, I struggle so hard to make/be in a conversation. And thus, people anggap me sombong or tak kosentret kat apa diorang cakap or whatever la korang nak cakap. Of course I am responsible for my own happiness. I create happy feelings for myself everyday - though I need to be reminded to do so. I am content with who I am. Cuma, kau2 tak boleh conform aku, mungkin sebab rambut aku kembang, mungkin sebab aku nampak sombong luaran n mungkin kadang2 memang aku sombong all the time. And self-centered.

stop it already. I need to be more grateful. Syukur.

A string of unrelated paragraphs put together into a post. Sapa suh kau baca? Kan dah emo. Hm, kalau ini berterusan, mahu juga aku ke hospital meminta Valium.

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