Sunday sighing

There's so much to say but so little are written down.

I need to be back in the habit.

Same goes to my social skills, I found it hard to talk to people nowadays, especially those of my age group. I know, my job requires me to talk to people, but my clients are mostly older than me, I could even call them mom and dad. My officemates are mostly senior. I have no problem talking to them. But those of my age group, I found it extremely hard to sustain a conversation more than 10 minutes. What do I talk about? Shopping? But I don't really shop anymore. Latest fashion? Err, what possibly can I talk about when I wear self-cut jeans and shirts? I could talk about education though, but who wants to listen to education stuff unless equally passionate?

Therefore every time I am stuck in a conversation with someone I am not close with, I feel hopeless. Time goes by tick by tick (I swear I could hear the loud ticks) while I found myself feeling all awkward not knowing what to talk about next.

Honestly, I kinda miss the old me, making new friends effortlessly, talking away and not worrying so much. I guess time gets to me, the environment, the busy working life, the political scenes in the office, the married friends. Could I have grown bitter?

Sigh.

I almost hate myself for being quiet, while being annoyingly rambling when talking, and this happens only with people whom are new to me, or not so close to me. And I know how important it is not to mess up a conversation between two strangers, as we constantly making judgment about the other person while we are talking, except that I'm the one feeling judged due to my crippled social ability.

Sometimes when I do have worthy things to say, I failed myself by being subconscious of how my voice would sound like etc and thus depriving my audience a good tell (or so I thought). Sometimes it almost feels like when I was climbing the Himalayas. It is the most beautiful landscapes but sometimes I was too hurried to enjoy the scenery.

 I feel that writing is easier than talking.

Anyways.

I need to share some of my experience and observations throughout my October big trip to India and Nepal. Interesting trip. Now it feels like it was just a dream. I learn a lot, and there were so much reflections going on. It is all up in my head. I just need to write them down.

Tengoklah. Kalau rajin.