Here's the story.

I received a call on January 14th from Bahagian Pengurusan Sekolah. The nice lady said something like this, but in BM:

Lady: Am I speaking to Noor Azmira Amran?
Me: Yes. May I know who's speaking?
L: I'm from Bahagian Pengurusan Sekolah Harian. I'm calling you to ask you to ignore the posting letter to Sabah.
M: Ah? I haven't received any letter yet? Negeri Sembilan is having a day off today due to Hari Keputeraan or something.
L: I see. So yeah, please wait for the letter from BPG instead of the letter from the Bahagian Sekolah. If you do not receive the letter by 25th, please give them a call.
M: WHY?
L: I do not know. Give BPG a call if you have any questions regarding to this.

I got on the phone with Salma, Alvin and Harold and we could suggest nothing other than speculations.

On 19th of February, I checked my name on the MOE's website, and it says this:
I was thinking, so the speculation about the BPG is 'serap'ing few of us to be put in IPG is true. Reaction: Happy, confused, angry, and mostly insecure.

On 21st, I got a message from Eva saying that we need to go to IPBA on 25th for a week orientation course.

On 24th night, I crashed at Cohort 4's place in IPBA. I met Salma, Sha, Syal and Amrien and we spent hours catching up :)

On 25th morning, we met the BPG officer who is in-charge for this programme. He said we were to have a 3-week course, and we were like, WHATTTT! and he said he didn't even know what to call us. Actually, none of the lecturers know what to call of us. A bunch of lecturers has to design a 3-weeks course in just 3 hours. Amazing lecturers! By the way, Madam Elizabeth was assigned as our course coordinator.
On the next day, we met the Director, Dr. Sofi and he said we can stay in MTCP hostel since we were all staying illegally at the IPBA hostel. They finally figured out what to call this programme, "Program Orientasi Pensyarah Muda". This very day they told us that this program orientasi has been cut to ONE week instead of THREE. The lecturers were a bit hm hm hm exasperated? after they have designed a 3-week course (in 3 hours) and now they have to scrape everything and re-design it?

Note: Remember how we spent years learning the pedagogy? Dr. Boon managed to introduce us to synergogy, andragogy and heutagogy in 2 hours. How's that for a brain-melting experience?

Indeed we have a lot to learn, and we have to learn super-fast that I got runny poo everytime I came back from class. (Song in mind: Supermassive Blackhole by Muse). or maybe because I munched a little bit too much?

And last Thursday, we've got our postings. I got ELTC, along with Lindsay, Syal and Own. We won't be given any rumah kuarters, so it's time to find a house nearby. Isk mahalnya!!!

So, there. It's time to talk about my feelings now.

• Insecure

I feel insecure because I heard some not-very-nice voices saying that "How the hell did she get selected?", "How come the BPG has this programme pensyarah muda?". We also get a "We don't want you, pensyarah mudas" from our very own lecturer (nama dirahsiakan).

• Scared

Just about how are we going to mingle with our former lecturers, except that now as a colleague? We are very much inexperienced in terms of teaching, and now us in ELTC is about to teach in-service teachers who has got numbers of year in school? Back in my student day in IPBA, I skipped class a lot and I preferred to be invisible most of the time. What if my reputation back then exceeds my reputation now? I am trying to be a better person, of course. I am just scared that people will judge me for the person I was, not I am now. Other than that, I'm quite scared, looking at how unorganized this whole thing is. No plan, no name for us, nothing, nothing, nothing.

• Grateful
  

Regardless of the tensions, I feel very grateful to be selected for this programme. Hey, don't ask me how they chose us, nobody knows we were selected on what criteria. Whatever it is, I take this opportunity as a challenge and as a great opportunity for a my personal and professional development.

Hari utk bersyukur.

-Bersyukur untuk makanan yang dihidang di atas meja (atau dalam peti ais)
-Bersyukur untuk family yang penyayang
-Bersyukur untuk kucing yang comel dan pandai
-Bersyukur untuk peluang yang datang
-Bersyukur untuk rakan2 yang memahami
-Bersyukur untuk segala kesilapan masa lalu yang membuat aku belajar
-Bersyukur untuk duit yang kurang, maka kuranglah pembaziran/dosa/ etc yang negatif yang aku buat
-Bersyukur untuk hidup yang mudah (takde kebuluran, boleh g jalan2 sesuka hati, boleh tgk tv/online sesuka hati etc)
-Bersyukur untuk anggota badan yang cukup

It doesn't make sense to you, does it? I was having this thought, and it starts with the phrase "What if...". Few years back, when I thought about "What ifs", it leads to ungratefulness. I wanted more, my what ifs were all about having not enough: what if I was prettier? what if I was richer? what if I was better than whoever?

But lately, my what ifs are more about what if I have less: what if I was NOT this sempurna sifat? what if I was miskiner than now? what if I was stupider? and etc. And thanks Shakina for you always reminding me how I should be thankful for every little thing that had (and had not) happened to me.

It hit me hard. I have a great life and if I am not thankful for it, please knock some sense into my head.

A casual conversation with emak and the following day.

Aku: "Yiiiiiiiiiiiiii bosannyaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
Emak: "Buatlah benda yang berfaedah sikit"
A: "Bak la kasi orang masak, bosan nii"
E: "La sapa pulak halang ko masak"
A: "Yiiiiii emak niiiii, kat dalam peti ais tu ntah hapa2 mak taruk, bukannye ade benda boleh masak pon. Sotong kering nak buat apa"
E: "Camtu mak bagi duit, ko pegi beli apa-apa ko nak masak pehtu ko masak la"
A: "Ha ok je, dengan rajin dan baik hatinya nak buat camtu"
E: "Bangun tah pukul brapa, lapa la aku balik rehat tengah hari nanti. Kedai depan tu jual barang basah pagi-pagi je"
A: "Tinggalkan je la duit nanti. Yi"

Keesokan harinya. Duit tak ditinggalkan untuk beli groceries. Nak kol mak kat keje, mak tertinggal hp plak pagi ni. Tepat kul 11 pagi aku pon bangun dari sarang tido, then buka peti ais.

Belah bawah: Telur itik, sotong kering, nata de coco, ikan bilis, apple hijau sebiji, barang2 kering yang tidak ketahui sangat seperti belacan, gula merah, kicap.

Belah freezer kat atas: Ayam, sosej, ikan tenggiri, ais.

Diiiiiiiiileeeeeeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~~ (Lagu KRU).

Nak masak ke tak, nak masak ke tak, nak masak ke tak, nak masak haram la barang terhad begini. Nak masak ayam, aku mana reti potong ayam seekor mcm tu. Kat NZ dulu beli yang dah siap potong kiub. Wuwuwuwu.

Sudahnya, aku pon memberanikan diri memotong ayam tersebut guna pisau chopper.

Ni la pisau chopper kalau ko tatau.

(Kucing Topeng ngn Kucing Kecik bahagia dapat makan ayam n tulang2 sebab aku mcm tak reti sangat potong.)

Pehtu aku pon campak2 semua benda dalam mangkuk berisi ayam. Halia la, rempah kari la, kicap la dan apa2 la pehtu last skali aku masukkan epal hijau yang da dipotong kiub.

Then aku grill. Sambil telinga cucuk The Hush Sound. Joget2 sikit. Takpe, orang tak nampak.

Pehtu mak pon balik keje pada pukul 1. Ekceli ni mak ade lagi ni sebab skrg pukul 1.27p.m. Aku tgh tulis secara live ni, betul tak tipu. Masa mak balik tadi, dia bawak lauk, dia beli kat kedai depan rumah sebab dia konfem gila aku tak bangun tido lagi. (Sama ada mak dah putus harapan terhadap humanity atau mmg aku hopeless).

A: "Makkkkkkkk orang da masak laaaaaaa"
E: "Mana la mak tau ingatkan ko tak bangun lagi tadi. Masak apa?"
A: "Masak ayam ngn epal"(dengan sedikit riak takabur dan bangga diri)

Pehtu mak pon pegi la merasa sikit menatang tak seberapa yang aku namakan "Ayam Gril Epal Hijau". Haiceh, nama nak grand aje.

E: "Ha sedap2".

(Cerita habis kat sini je sebab aku nak korang ingat ayat last tu)

Wahwahwah

Have you ever look back and think

"I can't believe I went out with that guy. Euw! What the hell was I thinking?"

Yeah. Exactly. I'm struggling not to vomit.

P/S: I love you.

A well-written movie, very witty and funny script. Do all Irishmen very handsome and can sing and hot and funny and thoughtful? Damnnnnnnn, this movie is totally a chick porn. I wish I am Gerry's.

By the way, I'm not really into manly man, I'm more into boyish man. But I DO think that Gerry (Gerard Butler) looked really really hmmm 'irresistible' just a few seconds before he kissed Holly (Hillary Swank) when they first met.

I have this fear...

...of losing you.

Longggggggggg time ago,
I've lost once, and since then I never let anyone leave.
How?
I left first.

I don't want to leave this time.
and I don't want you to leave too.

MTV Made

I am watching MTV Made right now. It's about this dorky boy who wants to be a hip hop dancer so that he can be the coolest guy in the school. But he's a dork.

His face reminds me of someone from my past. Even the dorkiness. He has always been strikingly good looking, i think now he's grown out of the dorkiness (I hope).

I wish you love and every happiness in the world
although things didn't work out between you and me.

I kinda miss it when you cry and I was your hero.

Ice ice baby dudududu

Icy cold. That's what you are.
Too rigid.
I thought my wall is too thick.
Apparently yours is impenetrable.
Nobody ever came near.
Because you never let them to.
:(
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I love the way you feel.
I love the idea of you.
I love all the great thing about you.
and the flaws.
I love your effortless effort of cheering me up when I'm down.
Which is, everyday.
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I hate it when you say "I don't know"
I hate it when you don't want to know.
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I hate it when you want to know everything.
When every little thing excites you.

p/s: something I learned yesterday: the love between two people is never equal. There's always one chasing another. I guess I'm the chaser :|